That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
