In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
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