o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
