He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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