i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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