party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
