he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
