Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
