You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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