the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
