i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
