i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
