If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
