My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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