I'm going to jail i love you
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
