Umm I'm too high to move.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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