3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Congratulations! We have a period
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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