You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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