And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
