My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
