thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
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