my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
