I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I wish I only lived at night.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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