Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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