He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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