3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
