I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
