I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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