I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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