Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
