So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
