i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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