don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
