why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize