Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
