there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
