But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
