just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
