I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think a kid would responsible me up
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize