Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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