So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
