The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sext me about skeletons
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
