you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
