Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish I only lived at night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize