very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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