my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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