I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
