how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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