Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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