I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
