i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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