I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
whose parrot is this?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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