I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Randomize