I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
