I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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