I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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