are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
