K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is it penis luge time yet?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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