that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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