I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
