1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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