I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
