I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
