She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i came on her dog
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
