Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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