Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize